How to Have Your Very Own CRAPTASTIC Run

For this Labor Day holiday, my buddy Brannon and I decided we would do the LABOR for you and allow you to enjoy your holiday grilling out, sitting by the pool, or even just staying inside and being lazy. We developed this amazing running plan for you and want to show you how you can have your very own CRAPTASTIC run. If you’re a runner, triathlete, etc. reading this you may have very well experienced your own style of a CRAPTASTIC run recently. However; we feel like this method is fool proof and should be followed if you want your run to be super CRAPTASTIC! Prior warning; while this post is meant to be funny to the reader, it will have some rather…umm…shall we say; gross moments in it. Your results may vary. Seek advice from your doctor before performing any strenuous exercise program. HURRY, supplies are limited. You get all of this for three easy payments of $19.99, but wait, ACT NOW and we will make your first payment for you! Talk about a steal of a deal, folks!!! Postage and Handling are extra. No returns accepted. You have 60 seconds to take advantage of this amazing deal!

Here is the basic formula:

  • Be sure to eat like crap the day, if not the two days before your planned run.
  • Make plans to run 10 miles at 5 am on a holiday. This works best with the pre-dawn temperature is 78 degrees or higher with 96% humidity or higher. This morning was exactly these conditions.
  • You must start out with minimal sleep. I highly recommend setting your alarm for 4 am and not falling asleep until around midnight. Then, be sure to have a restless night’s sleep, waking up every 30 minutes or so.
  • Next, get ready in the dark, trying not to wake your lovely spouse/significant other up (if you’re single, you can skip the part about waking up the spouse/S.O.) and proceed to make every loud noise you possibly can.
  • Use the bathroom and feel comfortable about being able to run without any stomach distress.
  • Eat nothing. However; drink 12 oz of water mixed with everyone’s favorite pre-workout supplement, N.O. Xplode 2.0 while you are on the way to your buddy’s neighborhood.
  • Get to the designated meeting area, complete your final preparations and you’re off!
  • Ensure your run route has rolling hills through a neighborhood and no rest room access at all.
  • Start out slow and “wake” your legs up gently. Complain about the humidity within the 1st half mile and remind your running buddy to slap you if you complain about the “cold” while running this fall/winter.
  • Hit the 1 mile mark at a turtle’s pace of 11 minutes. Complain about the hills in Grovetown (or your own hilly neighborhood).
  • At the 1.45 mile mark, realize that your stomach is NOT happy with you and that you’re about to experience some major trouble. Find somewhere to run, preferably the woods and out of view, to deal with the issue.
  • Be thankful for the errant newspaper that’s not officially in anyone’s driveway. Do I really need to explain this?!?!
  • Deal with the upset stomach and continue running. Complain about the hills more (the only way to accept them).
  • Come up on the 3.25 mile mark and realize that both you and your running buddy are about to have stomach distress nearly at the same time.
  • Find another errant newspaper but be nice and share with your running buddy. (I took the sports section, btw). Again, woods, out of view, etc. lovely image in your head right now, eh?
  • Continue on the run, realize that 10 miles isn’t happening today.
  • Mix your powdered Gatorade too strong and nearly get lockjaw from it. Don’t drink from the handheld again.
  • Have the life scared out of you by another runner who quietly came up on you while you were running your mouth about how crappy the run as been.
  • Make the turn away from where your car is parked to try to get in somewhat of a semblance of a decent run. Get about a quarter mile away and realize that if you continue to run you’re in for trouble. Decide to walk home back to the cars.
  • As an added bonus, Brannon can show you how to lock your knee up as you try to get into your vehicle.

There you have it, the formula for the most CRAPTASTIC run ever. Wait, how am I supposed to collect my $49.98 if I gave you the formula already?!?! Ahhh… oh well. If you want to use this formula, be our guests!

Sure, we got out and ran, if you can call it a run. Sure we are dedicated to our usual training time. Sure, we’re idiots and yes, we know it.

Have a Happy Labor Day Friends!

David

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About dnancejr

I enjoy the challenges of training and racing with my girlfriend.
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2 Responses to How to Have Your Very Own CRAPTASTIC Run

  1. Amy Lauren says:

    It’s so weird how running works- sometimes you can eat like crap and have the worst pre-run experience ever… like walking to the start with the race director because you were almost late… but then have a great run. Or prepare and it just doesn’t go like ya thought for whatever reason (especially the weather or something you really can’t control).

    Sounds like you had a pretty crazy run though- and the heat, this is something serious that makes even the best prepared for runs pretty hectic sometimes!

  2. Uh oh… at least you ran?! Hope your weeks starts looking up a bit! 🙂

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